Sex Abuse

Why do men and women sexually abuse children? What possible gratification can be obtained from using a child in ways that outweigh the child's distress and fear, one's conscience, the danger of discovery, and the retribution that may follow?

Exact figures are impossible to obtain but observations from Freud onwards, and more recent surveys, indicate that a large proportion of children suffer in this way. Why is abuse so widespread? Is it confined to this culture, or is it a worldwide problem?

One theory of why so many people sexually abuse, is that the abuser is unable to handle relationships with his or her peers; the abuser must be in power. If that is so, there must be something radically wrong with our system of rearing children to have produced adults with such a low self image. Another theory is that most abusers were themselves abused as children, and that is why they now abuse others. If that is correct, however, there would be more female sex offenders than men now, as women have been the main victims for years. This is patently not so, unless there is less reporting of abuse committed by women. It is possible that the amount of sexual abuse committed by women has been unreported. Women have only recently been covered under the Sexual Offenses Act (1977). Prior to this date, it was not illegal for a woman to commit sexual abuse except where it related to incest. Based on my research, I suggest that having been abused may be a contributing factor in forming the profile of an abuser but not the main determinant.

It is probable that women are much less likely to sexually abuse children because they bond more closely with children by the potential for, and process of, birth and infantile nurturing. Such bonding produces greater empathy, sensitivity to distress, and extreme familiarity that tends to reduce erotic stimuli. Women are conditioned in this culture to be sexually passive and are not exposed to male oriented permission to be lustful and sexually aggressive. They are less likely to seek passive objects for sexual gratification.

In most cultures women are able to discharge sexual desire through hugging, kissing, and close intimate relationships throughout their childhood and teenage years. In most developed countries such avenues are usually denied to men, who from an early age are not encouraged to be physically and emotionally demonstrative, particularly with other men.

At the age of consent men begin to experience sexual rejection, unless they fit certain cultural stereotypes that are considered to be sexually desirable. Such rejection often arouses resentment and mounting hostility.

Young girls, by contrast, often find their problem is fending off unwanted sexual demands from assertive males; their hostilities are of a different nature.

These very different experiences are perhaps responsible in establishing a future profile of a potential abuser or non abuser. However, I would like to suggest that the main cause of child abuse addiction may well lie in our child rearing practices. Legally and socially we do not accept the satisfaction of sexual drives until the age of consent. Many parents and child care specialists have noticed the existence of sexual drives in children as young as two years of age. On the whole, tacitly and often explicitly, we discourage both learning, experimentation and satisfaction in areas in our pre-teen children.

Some parents turn a blind eye to games of "doctor" and masturbation, but that is as far as it goes. Why do we do this? What if, when a child first starts to walk, parents, anxious to prevent their child from possible harm, tied its legs together and chained it to the wall, until it was old enough to know the dangers of running into the street. What an outcry would arise! It would be easy to predict the behavior of a child confined for so many years in this fashion -- discouraged from running, leaping and using the full range of its limbs -- the child would either be crippled or may spend the rest of its life in some manic, frenzied rush to make up for those early years. Many adults have suffered from being restrained from experiencing the full range of genital functioning. They were ready, even if society was not. Is it possible that such a high incidence of sexual abuse exists because abusers are compulsively trying to experience an infantile need at a later date?

What are the dangers inherent in allowing children to sexually experiment with their peers? There is no fear of unwanted pregnancies. And if any credence can be given to anthropological reports of cultures that have permitted such behavior in their young, the adults appear to be balanced, happy and secure in their relationships and intimacies. And sexual abuse as we know it is infrequent. After all, we allow our young to practice killing and war games of all kinds without much disapproval.

Manufacturers of toy guns and other weapons of destruction do not suffer from being ostracized; indeed they profit with full legal and social acceptance. One can visualize the reception given to any manufacturer who tried to produce and market sex toys and games for children! Yet how much more humanitarian and positive to teach children how to give pleasure to each other rather than pain.

It is interesting to note that it is impossible to learn how to give or receive sexual pleasure from the media. To my knowledge there have been no movies shown for public viewing, that show explicit sexuality in a warm and loving family setting. It would appear that to show tenderness and loving intimacy between a monogamous married couple, is somehow obscene -- unless violence is involved. How strange that it is perfectly legal to show the most appalling scenes of sexual brutality and violence but not sensual pleasure making.

Be very clear that I am not advocating incest or any form of adult/child sexuality -- that is extremely damaging. Separation from society and confinement in a properly equipped facility for the perpetrator is essential to protect children from further abuse. However, parents should be educated on how to deal with any unresolved desire they may have towards children and also how to deal with any sexual advances from their children. Dr. Alayne Yates has written an intelligent and compassionate book, Sex Without Shame, in which she suggests that if a child sexually approaches you, an appropriate response is to lovingly but firmly tell the child that it is all right for them to feel these feelings for you; you are pleased that they are becoming a sexual person, but you are not a person that they can be intimate with in this special way. Explain that Society does not allow this for very good reasons. They must seek someone of their own age or wait until they are older when they will meet more people of their own age group.

In many cultures such as many Polynesians, lovemaking is regarded as an art to be learned; that it was essential for a child to observe others making love and to be taught by a more experienced person. In the West, society places little value on sexual expertise or fulfillment; the emphasis is instead on hard work, continence, etc. Indeed the economy flourishes in an atmosphere of sexual frustration.

It may well be true that Western society instinctively fears that early sexual experience coupled with acceptance of sexual attitudes and mores common, to say, the Polynesian Cultures, would lead to indolence and lack of ambition. Perhaps it is true that violence stimulates production and consumption, whereas an atmosphere of sensual intimacy has the opposite effect. Most cultures that encourage a sensual lifestyle have a sharing and caring culture with an emphasis on the good of the community. Individual ambition and desire to "get ahead" are regarded more as an aberration in such cultures. If this theory that the fear of a sexual accepting society becoming an indolent one is not valid, it is puzzling that Western society regards early sexual experiences between peers with such horror and loathing.

In Hawaii and elsewhere, although there are clubs and schools of martial arts that teach children as young as three how to main and kill, there are no schools that would be permitted to teach the arts and skills of lovemaking in the Polynesian tradition, however sensitively handled. Indeed, child protection services under the law have to remove a child from its parents if they permit him or her to watch them making love -- but not if they are fighting with each other. This is a very strange emphasis on this important aspect of life.

Again, we are not advocating child/adult sexual relations. We are questioning why we suppress what would seem to be the normal and natural curiosity and desire for experimentation, especially when leading medical authorities concur that sexuality starts in infancy. Since adult/child sexual abuse appears to be so prevalent, we feel that it is important for the future sexual health of our young, that research into these aspects is carried out, information obtained from other cultures where child sex abuse is minuscule compared to other cultures, and the results implemented in parenting classes and future sex education programs.

Recommended reading:
The Handbook of Human Sexuality by Benjamin Wolman/John Money
Patterns of Sexual Behavior by Clellen Ford and Frank Beach